SHORT CIRCUIT

...and I'm not talking about the movie.  Although....

So I was driving down Silverlake Boulevard today and some BEEYATCH nearly pulled right into the side of my car.  (*NOTE: This wouldn't be the first time this has happened to me here in L.A.)  As I veered into oncoming traffic to avoid being hit, I immediately slammed on my horn.  The only problem was there was no horn.  Nothing.  Just the sweet sounds of Tony Orlando pumping out of my kickin' sound system. 

I then carted my fine ass over to Auto Zone to purchase a new #15 fuse for the "horn" section.  After inserting the male end into the female end, I was ready to test out the goods.  However, again...NO F#&%in' HORN!  

I ask you...WHAT THE FRAK AM I SUPPOSED TO DO WITHOUT A HORN IN L.A.?!!!?!  

Sure, I can flip off the offending douchebags.  I can even hold the phone up to my ear to pretend I am calling the police.  (No, wait, I can't even do that with this new earpiece only crap).  I can roll down my window and yell at the morons, but then I risk having something thrown at my mug.  

So what do I do?  Do I just sit back and let these SHIT-AY drivers hit me?  My brother suggested I get a blow-horn and dig into that when the occasion calls for it.  Not a bad idea, but with my luck it will be on the back sill with my box of tissue where I can't reach.  

Perhaps it's simply time to purchase a gun.

PET PEEVES

1. Too much salad on a plate that is too little.

2. Speed bumps.

3. Unfriendly and unhelpful sales associates (CVS...I'm talkin' to you!).

4. When street parkers leave just enough space so my car WON'T fit into the spot in front or behind them.

5. The Klopek's dogs.

6. People with big hair who sit directly in front of me at the movie theatre.

7. AT&T.  Enough said.

8. Glendale.

9. When I have food in my teeth and my "friends" neglect to tell me.

10. Suede referring to himself as Suede.  Not necessary.

Freaks and Geeks

So I'm sitting here at my local coffee house minding my own business taking pictures with my camera phone of the oddities that seep through the door and low-and-behold, I am greeted with the above.  I can't quite tell if that is Christian from last season's Project Runway or vintage Superman?  I wish I had been able to take a better picture of his glasses because they were circa 70s Burt Reynolds.  And who is that next to our super-hero?  A tall John Waters if you ask me.  Or--and PG, you'll appreciate this--there is a slight resemblance to "Kane" from POLTERGEIST 2.  "Carol Anne"! 

Bottom line: both are frightening!  Terrifying really.  What age do we live in where a law-abiding citizen can't go people-watching without being scared shitless?  So what if I am sitting a bit too close to the man next to me just so I can read his emails?  It's my right.  I should be able to enjoy the delectable sweetness of my iced vanilla latte without feeling like I'm about to open a door to the Twilight Zone.

So, as I sit here, huddling in a corner around my computer so these freaks and geeks can't see what I'm typing, I ask you...

Do you want to live in a society where people like Kane and Superman can order a drink from the same establishment as you and I? 

Or would you like to live in a society where those who are less fortunate in looks and fashion have to submit to making their own lattes at their own home and on their own time?  

I propose to bring this issue forth when I announce my candidacy for just being awesome.  And since I am the only one running, I believe, therefore, I am already crowned victor!  

FIRST CLASS ALL THE WAY!

  

I know what you're thinking.  You're jealous.  And, yes, for good reason.  After we went deer huntin', we were able to sit back and relax to a few Natty Lights, a shot of derlicious Jack Daniels, and listen to Ted Nugent's Greatest Hits.  There might have been a shotgun hung from the inside of the rear window, but I'll never tell.  And to answer your question...Yes, those are twenty-twos, aka DUBS.

On Land Figure Skating in 2012

Welcome to my first ever blog.  (This first post I would like to dedicate to Lolo.) 

Let me first talk about my latest obsession.  The Olympics.  I can't get enough.  I will watch any event.  I may need a 12-step program to help me when they end.  

However, I would like to submit that a new event be added in 4 years.  That event:  On-land figure skating.  I know a woman--we'll call her J Cleezy--who is favored to win.  She is light on her feet.  (See the above photo.  All that while drinking a frozen margarita from a blue-rimmed 'Magic Bullet' cup).  

Check out that form!  I would give her a solid 10.  I would be known as the judge from the nation of Historic Filipinotown.

She would do for the sport of On-land Figure Skating what Tim Gunn has done for the world of fashion.  

Speaking of fashion...

**ALERT: PROJECT RUNWAY SPOILER**

I am so happy that weird Daniel was sent to pack up his space.  If I had to watch him twitch one more time I might have actually got off my chair to turn off the TV.  (The batteries went in my remote control and I've been too lazy to purchase new ones).  So long Daniel.  

I think next week the designers should create an outfit worthy of J Cleezy and her quest for gold in 2012.  

PS ~ Gridz is annoyed by Suede.